Sunday, August 8, 2010

Old Habits Die Hard

Here's a pet peeve I have-I'm always a little disturbed when I'm bothered by something that is completely illogical. Like I know I shouldn't be bothered by it. In my head it makes perfect sense why I should shrug it off, or refuse to let it get under my skin, but for some reason I'm still bugged. I have some examples-

Part of Mercy River's preparation process for Time Out involves shopping for outfits. Rough, right? It's actually quite painful. Trying to find clothing that's cohesive to each other, but still reflects our personal style is quite obnoxious. So imagine my joy when my outfit for our "pink" ensemble came together. I loved it-it looked like "me", and matched the other girls beautifully. Truth be told, I was rather proud of it. The first time I wore it I was bombarded with compliments. "I love your outfit!" "Your outfit is so cute!" "Your flower is darling!" "Those shoes are fantastic!" And then-THE comment.

"Are you expecting?"

Nope. I wasn't at the time. And that's all I thought of the rest of the event. I'm not angry at the woman that said it-in fact, I feel bad for her. I'm sure she beats herself up about it all the time, the look on her face was cringe worthy. But her comment stuck with me. I'm no longer too crazy about the outfit. Forget all the positive feedback, to one woman I looked pregnant in that dress, so that's the only thing I think when I put it on.

Stupid, right? I know that.

My next example is also Mercy River related. (Side note-MR is hands down the most humbling experience. Never before have I been so out there for the world to judge. And some people are pretty harsh judges.) We had a concert this last weekend in the Brigham Young Historical Park. It was part of the Temple Square Concert Series, so it's well advertised, and well attended. We were trying out a new concert set, and it felt like it was going well. Instead of our nerves getting the better of us we were concentrating on giving the audience an "experience". I noticed several people crying during a solo song of mine, and I thought, "OK, they felt the meaning of that song!" I was thrilled to be a part of this moment with them. Then, during a particularly fun song, I noticed a couple laughing in the corner, and watched as they STARTED TO MAKE FUN OF ME and how I moved my hand! I couldn't look at them the rest of the time. After the concert we sold more CDs than we have at any past concert, had dozens of people ask for pictures and autographs, had several hugs from small aspiring singers...but that's the not part I'll remember. I'll remember that couple. That couple ruined that experience for me.

Stupid, right? I know that.

Why do I do this? I'm a fairly positive person-opinionated, yes. Passionate, yes. But I try to find the good (or at least comical) side of things. And for the most part I think I'm rather logical. But no matter how much my head says, "You know better than that", or my heart says, "Be Positive!", my stomach still has that pit. I wish there was a way to ignore my stomach. Maybe I have more growing up to do than I thought. I'm actually excited to be 50. How nice to be at a time in life when I'm so comfortable in my own skin, the opinions of others simply bounce off. I guess I don't have to wait to be 50, maybe 30 will be my magic age. If so, I have a lot of work to do between now and my next birthday.



Makell said...

To hell with all the others, sister! You've totally got talent and are putting yourself out there - and that is pretty cool. Everybody does it once in a while - being stupid that is, for the sake of being funny. Generally it is at people that are really good at what they do, in fact. Sometimes it's just to get a laugh or because they are 15 years old and are still prepubescent and immature.
Sometimes it's because they can't appreciate what is really taking place. Like when kids act like crazy opera singers, bobbing their heads and thinking they are so funny - when in reality that lady is a freaking fine-tuned classically trained human instrument that is unbelievable!
Next time, give 'em the bird. Ok , don't. But I think you are doing a really difficult thing being in front of others and there will always be idiots out there - that's for sure! I've seen you perform and you and your hands rock! You've got nothin to worry about my friend. But you're right - there are really like 2 out of a 100 that are the ingrates. Forgeddabout 'em.
I wish I could say that 30 was the magic age - I'll admit there have been things that have stayed with me that really shouldn't have. Things that somebody probably said not even realizing it or meaning to, but made me second guess it everytime from that time forward. It happens to the best of us :)

Lisa Sprague said...

Brooke, I don't think you'd be normal if you didn't feel like that. Just know that you are AMAZING! You are stunningly beautiful, witty, funny, a fantastic mommy, a FREAKIN' FANTASTIC singer, and such a great friend! You HAVE to know that! But, I completely understand why you still feel the way you do. It's just part of a woman's nature. I love you tons Brooke!

Karen and Adam said...

Brooke, just so you know, if I were to pick a person that I'd like to try to be like, it'd be you. Gorgeous, funny, a gifted singer, a gifted writer, smart, an amazing mom, someone who is confident about sharing her beliefs, etc. People only make fun when they are insecure themselves. Not that it makes you feel any better, but regardless, just know I look up to you!